Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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