life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
