walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize