so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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