fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bring me that man meat
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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