member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
