**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
