The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dick very happy bro
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
