I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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