I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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