thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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