question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
