Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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