mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
