I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
His nipple licking is glorious
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