Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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