Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My ATM looks so different sober.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
