i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
