I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
