He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
