hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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