Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
