Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
my being single is dangerous.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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