We're like a lot better than the average bears
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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