I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize