You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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