1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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