soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
