I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize