the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
