So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
