Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
