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i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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