Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
