I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
