I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
