Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I smell stomach acid.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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