Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
