Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
