She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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