The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize