It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
