News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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