I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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