I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize