How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
