could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
