I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
only you would photoshop your dick
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
