saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
