I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
