I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
