My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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