just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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