when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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