I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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