My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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