I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
ttyl tear gas
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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