On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
