my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
