fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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