You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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