Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
