Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
