I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
