I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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