We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
