I just pynch a tree in the face
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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