On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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