apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
